Lately I have been feeling like I am at my wits end. Every day seems like a new test of my sanity. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed that I do not know what to do. I knew motherhood would be tough, but I do not think I considered exactly how difficult it would be by myself. I feel alone and like I have been left behind.
While I was pregnant there were so many people that claimed they would be there to help me in this way or that, but I feel like none of those promises were fulfilled. And I'm not mad about this because people have their own lives, but I just wish people would have listened when I tried to voice my concerns instead of offering false promises. Now my concerns are all coming to life, and there is no where to turn. It seems like now I just constantly receive criticism about how I need to change my parenting. The advice is unsolicited and generally uninformed. It also usually has an adverse effect of making me feel more inadequate. For once I would like some reassurance or simply not to discuss my parenting at all.
Also, I hate the constant reminder on my lack of a partner. I already wage war in mind every day about what happened. I do not need to be reminded at every turn. I'd appreciate it if people would not discuss my business. Yes, it was a bad situation, but it was my bad situation. I feel like that means no one else really needs to be talking about it. The discussion just adds to my struggle. It is hard enough to know that my daughter will not be blessed with the experience of having a father. I do not need to hear it out loud.
I don't know what more to say... I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes and extremely alone when it comes to parenting. And I am alone... After all I am her only parent. I mean Dad is here to help every night, but he already does so much for us...
Then there is the stress of school approaching. I do not know how I will handle it all. Balancing homework and parenting is going to be extremely challenging. Also breast feeding is very important to me, and I do not want it to be sacrificed by the separation. Formula is a VERY last resort. And then there is just the separation anxiety. She has been my life for the past 38 days and will be until school starts. I worry about both of our reactions to the separation. And I confess.. I don't really trust other people with her (no offense), but I work so hard at a certain style of parenting which people obviously do not agree with (as seen by the constant criticism). I would like it to be maintained, but I know it won't be.
Basically I am at odds with the world right now. And I kick myself every time I get frustrated with my baby. After all she is just a baby... And she always does something so loving to make me feel even worse about my frustration. She just needs her mommy...
It's all just a never ending circle. Each problem just ties to another, but at the end of the day I am a single parent. That is the sum of my life...
Lord, help me!
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