Broadway Nails imPRESS Press-on Manicure

As you may know, I am an active participant on a website called Influenter where I write reviews over products I have tried. Recently, I recieved a College VoxBox from Influenter that contained five products for me to test out! (thank you influenster!)

The product I want to review here is the imPRESS nails they sent. These are basically press on nails for grown-ups! I was hesitant at first because I thought it was a little juvenille, but with the Thanksgiving break coming up I needed a quick manicure.

They were really simple to apply. Simply peel off the back piece of plastic and press them on. Very simple!!

And they lasted for about five days before I started prying them off. They were not too easy to remove, and the aftermath has been devestating!! :(

Since removing my imPRESS nails, my thumb nails have chipped and cracked horribly! They are very torn up and look like crap!! And I know that fake nails tend to ruin nails, but I did not expect this much damage after only five days.

I do appreciate the opportunity to try them out, but I do not think I would spend my own money on these nails. The damage is not worth the cuteness. Sorry Broadway Nails!! but like I said, thanks anyways! :)

Rant of a Single Mother

Please grant me this chance to rant...

I am really beginning to struggle as a single mother. I am doing my very best, and I do not feel like I am struggling as a mother. But I do feel alone as a mother. For example, this weekend I assembled my baby's nursery room, and I did not have anyone to share the experience with. Don't get me wrong, my parents are absolutely fantastic, but it's not quite the same. There is a reason it takes two to make a baby... It is an experience that is meant to be shared! The milestones. The trials. The tribulations. Each thing event is special and wonderful to share with your child, but I feel like it loses something when you cant laugh or cry about it with your partner.

Then there is the flip side that i do not want her father back, so I am stuck in a less than ideal situation. But saying that I feel like a bad mother for feeling this way. I am not sure how to express exactly how I feel. I love my daughter and wouldn't trade a second I get to spend with her for anything in the world, but I do feel completely alone.

Another example is today. I returned to school today and was forced to leave my baby. And next week she starts daycare, both of which wouldn't necessarily have to happen if I wasn't single, but also both will take place with no support (excluding my parents.) I do each and every parental thing alone which is fine, but I wish I just had someone to share it with. Life isn't meant to be spent alone and neither is parenting..

But its all okay. I have God. Great parents. Good friends and a glass of wine. Lol.

Sorry for sounding so pathetic.. Just needed to word vomit a little...

Time to Change

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking, and the conclusion I have come to is that it is time for change. And I'm not talking about a hair cut or redecorating, I am talking about a lifestyle change. Because I want Cote to have the best life possible, I must lead by example. After all, I am the change I want to see.

To start the change, I am changing my diet. My whole life I have feasted on foods that are doing nothing to help. While I lived with Ava and Delilah, I made a better effort to eat health, so they would eat healthy. Being pregnant, I made even more of an effort. Now, I need to make the change a complete commitment.

My goal is to "go raw" which mean eating only fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds. Basically it's a fun term for vegan. I am not sure I am ready to give up all meat products, but that's the plan. I have been inspired by the "liferegenerator" on YouTube. He is inspirational in so many ways!!

Anyways, for now I plan to eat raw (which also means no cooked fruits and veggies), but also to include chicken and dairy. And I started last night with a smoothie that I am calling Cherry Cream. It had two bowls of dark cherries, half a carton of yogurt, and a couple handfuls of ice. It was scrumptious!!!! I did cave though and sate chicken and mac n' cheese, but I've done better today.

This morning I woke up and had a strawberry and banana smoothie. Then Natalie, Cote, and I went to CostCo. When we got back I made a watermelon lemon juice. It was not my favorite cause I am not a huge fan of watermelon, but tomorrow I am going to see what I can add to make it better. I also had an Asian chicken wrap! Yummy yummy! But the best was my dinner!!

I made a smoothie the was scrum-diddly-umptious!! It had mango, banana, yogurt, spinach, ice, flax seed, and honey!! oh boy!!!! It was so stinking good!! Even if it was green... I also baked four chicken breasts, so I ate one of those with a handful of raw broccoli and some small yellow and red tomatoes! Quite healthy if I do say so myself!!

And I am telling you all this to keep myself accountable. I want to get healthy and broaden my pallet so that Cote will never be negatively influenced by my food choices. And if I am making smoothies then I could also serve it as baby food!! BONUS!!

Maybe I will even start making videos of my smoothie experiments. Then I will have my recipe and so will you!! Win-Win!!

Till next time... choose GOD! choose LIFE! choose RAW!!

Breastfeeding TAG

HAPPY WORLD BREASTFEEDING WEEK

August 1-7

Dressing Post Pregnancy

Ever since having Cote, I have been having some body issues. While I was pregnant I gained around 47 pounds which is a LOT! I have lost just over half of it, but most of that is weight from the baby and such. What is left is not very attractive.

It has been difficult adjusting after looking like this....

Now I have some serious hips and loads of stretch marks. Oh, and a double chin!

So a couple days ago I went shopping (courtesy of my daddy), and I got some outfits that are much more appropriate for my new body. They are cinched just below the chest and loose around the waist. It is much more flattering, and I feel so much more confident in these clothes.

But, another struggle that I found was finding clothes that will also make breastfeeding easy. Access to the girls is very important, so I had to keep that in mind while picking everything out.

Below is a video of everything I got...

Enjoy :)

Clogged Ducts

Let me just start by saying that clogged ducts hurt like hell!! I woke up on Friday with a stabbing pain in my left breast, and the only diagnosis that I could come up with was a clogged duct. The tender area was very hard and had an elevated temperature. I thought maybe it would pass quickly if I nursed on that side but no such luck.

As the day progressed I started to feel worse. My symptoms were flu-like and I started to have a fever. It climbed all the way up to 102 degrees. I took Tylenol as directed and a hot shower. The heat of the shower was supposed to help loosen up the duct, but it was only slightly. I attempted to hand express and pump to clear the duct.

The next morning there was no improvement, and my symptoms from the day before basically repeated. I made sure to nurse as often as possible and to pump. That and heat are the only "treatments." The fever also came back, but the Tylenol helped to keep it under control.

By day 3 everything was much better. My breast was still tender but nothing like it had been, and Cote Bear was doing a great job of keeping it emptied. ;)

Something I noticed about the milk that was pumped during this time was that it smelled and tasted sour. I just pumped and dumped for the time being. I am not sure if the two were related, but I assume the clog effected the milk. Just an interesting side effect that I noted.

Anyways, all of that to say that clogged ducts are no fun, but they can be avoided by making sure the breast is thoroughly emptied regularly!!

Good Luck!

A Link in the Chain

When I found out that I was pregnant I went to half price books to find some help. While I was there I found a book called "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy."

This book was a must have when I read the note that was written on the inside.

I instantly felt like I was apart of something, and I wanted to be able to become another link in this chain. It reminded me of the Flat Stanley that we did in school that was sent to many people, connecting each one to the next.

Well I finally decided who I wanted to send the book to... While I was pregnant I watched a YouTube vlogger named Judy at ItsJudyTime and ItsJudysLife. She is beauty guru and very entertaining. I still watch her every morning with Cote who is also a big fan. She always smiles when she hears Judy say "Good Morning!"... Anyways, Judy found out she was pregnant with a little girl while I was still pregnant, so she is a perfect recipient. I hope she will appreciate the concept and pass the book on as well.

Yesterday I sent the book off to her with a couple of outfits. Hopefully she will receive it soon! She does videos of gifts she receives in the mail, so maybe I will get to see her open it too!! If so, I will share the video on here!

I'm excited!!

The Topic of Terror

BREASTFEEDING...

That's right! I said it!

Breastfeeding...

This seems to be an extremely controversial topic, and I cannot for the life of me understand why. Since the beginning of time breastfeeding was the only way to sustain life for a newborn, so why now does it seem to be frowned upon so much.

In the home breastfeeding is generally very accepted. There is not a need to duck out to feed your child because it is a family decision and a lifestyle. Or so one may think... When I am at home, I can nurse freely until others come over. I am then forced to cover up and even encouraged to go to another room...

At family events logic would say that nursing openly should be accepted, but that is not the case for me. When I am around family, but not at my house, I am strongly encouraged to excuse myself to a room by myself...

Out in public I feel like conservative nursing should also be accepted, but oh boy is that wrong. When nursing in public I feel extremely judged, so I am generally forced to go hide in a bathroom to feed my baby...

My question: WHY?!?

Breastfeeding is the most natural and purest form of feeding a child. It is the method intended by God to nourish our young. So why is it such a controversy?

BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STUPID!

I understand that breasts are very signalised in today's society, but that is only the case in a particular context. There is nothing sexual about sustaining life and feeding a child. A mother who nurses her child is giving them the best health care available. Breast milk is constantly altering itself to cater to the baby it is nourishing, always giving the baby exactly what it needs. Absolutely zero bad comes from it, and yet women are forced to hide and feel ashamed of this choice.

Or at least that is the way I feel...

I feel trapped at home because I am too scared to go out. I know that I only have a certain amount of time to be out and about before Cote will need to eat again. Then what? Recently I have discovered that my baby will NOT take a bottle, so pumping is irrelevant and not an option...
That means I can only nurse her...
Which means I either face judgment and ridicule and harassment...
OR
Hide in a room by myself or a public restroom..
Neither of those options are appealing to me!
Therefore I stay home.

I will not give up breastfeeding until my daughter tells me she is done, so what am I supposed to do? If people would recognize breastfeeding for what it is, NOURISHMENT, then I would not be stuck in this position. It is hard enough to maintain a strong breastfeeding relationship due to so many other challenges that criticism and judgement should not be an issue. Nursing mothers deserve encouragement from everyone around them, and yet...

RANT: I have even faced criticism from medical professionals. At Cote's sonogram the other day the nurses repeatedly asked me to give her a pacifier or bottle to soothe her. Eventually they got aggravated with me and openly showed their annoyance with the fact that I did not have either to give her (because she refuses them both.) Instead of being supportive of the fact that I have chosen to breastfeed my baby and allow me to nurse her till she calmed, the nurses simply pinned Cote down harder and continued on with their business. And I must say that this pissed me the %&*# off! It seems like no matter where I am I run into a wall when it comes to simply feeding my baby girl.

I truly do not know what to do. I guess I need to be more brazen with my choice or become a permanent recluse... I just wish I could get a little support. Its freaking hard being a single mother who breastfeeds.
Can we just give a girl a break??

<3

This Ain't No Joke

Lately I have been feeling like I am at my wits end. Every day seems like a new test of my sanity. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed that I do not know what to do. I knew motherhood would be tough, but I do not think I considered exactly how difficult it would be by myself. I feel alone and like I have been left behind.

While I was pregnant there were so many people that claimed they would be there to help me in this way or that, but I feel like none of those promises were fulfilled. And I'm not mad about this because people have their own lives, but I just wish people would have listened when I tried to voice my concerns instead of offering false promises. Now my concerns are all coming to life, and there is no where to turn. It seems like now I just constantly receive criticism about how I need to change my parenting. The advice is unsolicited and generally uninformed. It also usually has an adverse effect of making me feel more inadequate. For once I would like some reassurance or simply not to discuss my parenting at all.

Also, I hate the constant reminder on my lack of a partner. I already wage war in mind every day about what happened. I do not need to be reminded at every turn. I'd appreciate it if people would not discuss my business. Yes, it was a bad situation, but it was my bad situation. I feel like that means no one else really needs to be talking about it. The discussion just adds to my struggle. It is hard enough to know that my daughter will not be blessed with the experience of having a father. I do not need to hear it out loud.

I don't know what more to say... I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes and extremely alone when it comes to parenting. And I am alone... After all I am her only parent. I mean Dad is here to help every night, but he already does so much for us...

Then there is the stress of school approaching. I do not know how I will handle it all. Balancing homework and parenting is going to be extremely challenging. Also breast feeding is very important to me, and I do not want it to be sacrificed by the separation. Formula is a VERY last resort. And then there is just the separation anxiety. She has been my life for the past 38 days and will be until school starts. I worry about both of our reactions to the separation. And I confess.. I don't really trust other people with her (no offense), but I work so hard at a certain style of parenting which people obviously do not agree with (as seen by the constant criticism). I would like it to be maintained, but I know it won't be.

Basically I am at odds with the world right now. And I kick myself every time I get frustrated with my baby. After all she is just a baby... And she always does something so loving to make me feel even worse about my frustration. She just needs her mommy...

It's all just a never ending circle. Each problem just ties to another, but at the end of the day I am a single parent. That is the sum of my life...

Lord, help me!

Too Little Too Late

I would just like to stay that I am angry, which is a vast improvement from where I was last night when I received a message on FB from the sperm donor. Six months of silence and then this?

He sent this long message saying that he missed me, and that he has been having a really bad time. (boo hoo!) Apparently, he is having to play daddy all by himself for the first time. He says he has a new appreciatiton for everything I did for him and the girls, but he made little mention of my girl. It is like she doesn't even matter. He just wants to make a play at my heart strings to see if I will come clean up his mess, again, since that what I always did for him.

At first, my reaction to such a plea was vile. Then it made me angry that it made me so angry. Luckily a dear friend was able to help me see why I was feeling the way I was. It made me angry to know that he is still a narcissistic jerk. He is only concerned about himself and getting what he wants. He has no concern about me or my daughter. The man is simply having a pity party. School is out, and he is overwhelmed. There is also the fact that his court date is eminent. He is probably just panicking and in need of a babysitter while he is in jail.  So basically, he doesn't miss me. He needs me.

All of this just reaffirms my decision to protect her from him. Sometimes I feel like maybe my decision might have been made for the wrong reasons though I know it is the right decision. He is not a good man or a good influence, but sometimes I get satisfaction out of spiting him. When I told this to my friend she explained that my decision and my feelings are justified, but I need to forgive him. YIKES!

For the first time, thoughts of forgiveness entered my mind. Until last night, I had been more focused on forgetting him! But she is right. Some days I am consumed by thoughts of all of the wrong he did to us. If I do not forgive then this will continue to be a weight on my shoulders. I do not need the pain or the struggle, and he does not deserve to have that hold on me. If I do not let go of these feelings, he will always have a grip on my life. I need to forgive what happened for me because my anger only effects me.

To be honest though, the idea of forgiving him made me upset at first because I was thinking that it meant condoning his actions, but its not. It simply means accepting what happened and letting it go. I need to do this not just for me but for Cote. I don't need to let my grudge interfere with my relationship with my daughter. I do not want to let my anger or bias effect her in any way. I want to be the best parent I can be for her, and when she is old enough to understand I will let her make her own decisions in regards to him. If she decides to meet him, I will help her. At that time, if he hurts her or disappoints her I will be there to support her. Maybe he will have grown up by then and wont let her down. I can only hope!

Until then, I plan to do everything I can to keep my distance. I just hope he doesn't turn ugly in the mean time. Maybe his stint in jail will help....

Sigma Dry 'N Shape Review

Finally! Yesterday I received my Dry 'N Shape from Sigma!! It was on back order, so it took a while to get it here. Last night, I decided to try it out. I shampooed all of my Sigma brushes and slipped them into each individual slot. The elastic was rather tight, so some of the brushes were harder to squeeze in. They just had a more snug fit. Then I stood it up so that the bristles faced downward. By doing this, water did not slip back into the farrell and mess up the seal of the brush around the bristles.

This morning when I checked all my brushes, they were perfectly dry!! I was surprised because the last time I washed my brushes it took days for them to be completely dry! It was also great how all of the bristles were laying perfectly. The brushes looked like new! I definitely would recommend this product. Though it may seem like a waste of money ($29) when you could just lay the brushes flat on a towel, but this product speeds up the process and completely restores the brushes. And if you use the product to hold the brushes upside down, you save money on brushes in the long run!!

This is a strong investment!!!!

Some Assembly Required

MY ASS!!

I have decided that some assembly required is the understatement of the year! Every thing baby related requires complete assembly. Which is all fine and great when you are not 38.5 weeks pregnant!! I do not think the manufacturers consider that maybe, just maybe, a pregnant woman will be assembling these items by herself!! and it is no walk in the park! Not to complain, but DAMN!! Give a girl a break! There has got to be a better way that is more mom-friendly! I'm just saying!!

Ive had to assembly...

my Simmons Gliding Sooth Bassinet

my Chicco Lullaby Magic Playard

my Graco Sweet Snuggle Swing

my Comfort & Harmony Cradling Bouncer

And I have yet to assemble...

my Baby Einstein Musical Motion 2-in-1 Staionary Jumper and Entertainer!

All of these items are wonderful, and I am very grateful to each person that gave these items to us!! They can each be purchased at Babies R' Us. I just wish they came pre-assembled!! (or maybe with a hunky assembly guy ;))

"The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" Review

Last night, I finally finished reading The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. It was written by a group of La Leche League women who share their advice on every topic imaginable that relates to breastfeeding. This book seems to be the encyclopedia of breastfeeding.

As a soon-to-be first-time-mother, I was very unsure of the concept of breastfeeding. I had heard a little about it, but the idea of doing it myself was very foreign. I do not personally have any experience with it (obviously) and do not know many women who do. I had every intention of bottle feeding formula, but I decided to get all of my facts first. One day while I was at Babies R' Us I saw this book and figured I'd give it a try. Now, I firmly believe that it was the best purchase I could have made.

After reading The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, I now feel informed enough to make a decision. I have decided that "breast is best," and I want to give it a try. I feel fully prepared to proceed on this adventure. I have the facts I needed and all the advice I didn't know that I needed. This book has been a great resource, and I know I will continue to turn to it in the future for guidance.

A great feature that this book offers, besides the step by step guidance, is a collection of tear-sheets in the back. These are pages of advice and quick, helpful tools for breastfeeding mothers, their partners, etc. These can be torn out and used any time. The tear-sheets are handy cheat sheets when you don't have time to read a whole chapter.

I would recommend this book to any woman, new mom or seasoned pro. I believe that it has something to offer everyone. Honestly, I would even recommend it to caregivers as well. I think it will help others to understand and appreciate the decisions of a breastfeeding mother (especially after the controversial cover of TIME Magazine.)

TWO THUMBS-UP!!

My First "Mother's Day"

Yesterday was so fun!! I returned some of my duplicate items from the shower and was able to get everything else that I still needed!! With money left over, I am completely prepared for my baby to make her debut!! But, what really made yesterday exciting was the fact that it was Mother's Day! I did not expect it, but so many people told me "Happy Mother's Day!" It was crazy! I definitely did not think I would be hearing that for at least a year! It was even more special when my little brother called! Of course, he added "old lady" at the end, but it was cool to hear from him none the less! And yesterday was the first time that he actually seemed interested in his niece! He was asking about her due date, and he told me he thinks he might be around. He genuinely seemed excited which made my heart swell!! Then, my day was rounded out by dinner with the my own mom!! It was great to get to share dinner with her and her mother and some more close family members!! All in all, it was a wonderful day!

The Truth About Stretch Marks

It has come to my attention that I have been extremely naive throughout my pregnancy. Here I was thinking that if I coat myself with lotion every day that I would be able to avoid the horror that is stretch marks. Boy was I wrong. I have used Palmer's Cocoa Butter on my stomach and chest every single day since I found out I was pregnant, and horrifying enough- I have developed stretch marks. And when I say stretch marks, I do not just mean the silverish lines that are hardly noticeable. Oh No!! We are talking dark red, bruise-like stretch marks. They are on my sides and the under side of my tummy. They itch and they hurt and they make me sad.

Everyone told me that if I used lotion religiously that I would be fine. I also heard that stretch marks are genetic. Lucky me, my mom did not have stretch marks so I shouldn't either right? Wrong! So I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what preventative measures you take. If you are meant to get stretch marks, You Will!! Depressing, I know.

I guess now, all I can do now is "treat" my stretch marks. I think I'll probably try Moderma and hope for the best. If that doesn't work, then I will search for another cure. Till then...

Garnier Fructis Review

Since I have been pregnant, my poor hair has taken a turn for the worse. It does not help that I am trying desperately to grow out a perm that has completely fried my hair. All that to say, it has been a real challenge to make my hair look healthy again. My daily routine was simply to shampoo with Head and Shoulders and then use some inexpensive grocery store conditioner. The shampoo does a great job of cleaning out all of the product, but it also over strips the hair of any natural oils. The oils were not hardly being replaced or replenished by the conditioner, so I decided I had to try something different. Being that I live on a budget, my options were limited.

Enter Garnier Fructis!

I was torn between Granier Fructis and Herbal Essences because they are both pretty good and really inexpensive. Since I already use the Garnier Fructis styling products I figured that was the way to go.

I decided to try the their Triple Nutrition line. This was probably the best decision I could have possibly made. The Triple Nutrition is made of three natural oils: olive, avocado, and shea. It is supposed to replace the oils in dry, damaged hair. This scared me at first because I have naturally oily hair but because it is also fortifying I decided to take a gamble. And I completely hit the jackpot. This shampoo and conditioner is absolutely miraculous. Instantly, while still in the shower, I could already feel a difference in my hair. It just felt softer and smoother and quite frankly... yummy! When my dries after using it, it looks noticeably better! It was incredible how one use could make such a difference.

Then for extra measure I also purchased the Nutrient Spray. It is also from the Triple Nutrition line. To use it, simply spray it on your damp or dry hair. To test it, I sprayed it on my arm first and rubbed it it. It did not leave any kind of messy residue or oils. That was my first sign that this spray was going to be a miracle in a bottle. When I applied it to my hair, the results were beautiful. I tried it once after I used that shampoo and conditioner, but it was hard to notice how effective it truly was. However, when I used the spray after my Head and Shoulders routine the difference was incredible. It truly does nourish and shine. I am careful not to spray too much towards my roots just in case, but i recommend this product to anyone with sad hair. The line so far has left me very pleased. And I only spent around eight dollars on the whole set. It does not get much better than that!!!! 

The Countdown

Ahh.. Here we are at the end of the semester, and all of the excitement is about to begin! My twenty first birthday is on Thursday. The semester is over next Wednesday (I think)! My baby shower is May 12th, and the little one should be here on or before June 1!! I am so excited! The anticipation is absolutely killing me! I want to fast forward to each event and skip all the in-between. I placed all of the orders for my birthday goodies today so more anticipation in awaiting their arrival. Oh and today, a sweetheart in my class brought me a bag full of baby clothes!! The excitement just keeps-a-coming! I love it!!!

Your Memory is like a Ghost

Everynight is the same. Nightmare after nightmare about the sperm donor from hell. It is like no matter how hard I try to forget him, I cant. I dont want to remember this man. I want to move on with my life and not look back, and yet every night he sneaks up on me. My memories are vivid and my dreams are quite imaginative. Each one is different than the next. But. they all have the same two reoccuring themes. Either he is trying to take my baby away from me, or I am reliving some form of finding out that he cheated. It is like no matter what I do, I cannot escape him. It is my hope that when she is born, the dreams of him taking her will slowly fade away. At the moment, there is nothing I can do but fear the future, but once she gets here I will be able to take actions into my own hands. There are things I can do to protect us, but right now I feel like a sitting duck. I think that is why my dreams are reflecting such fears. Once I am in control of my life, my subconcious will hopefully refelect the same thing. As for reliving the betrayal of him cheating, I think only time can heal that wound and maybe a good quality distraction! :) Anyway.. maybe venting a little will help... so, thanks for reading!

Not So Funny April Fools

This is probably me being over-sensitive (which dad said it is), but this April Fools pregnancy thing really upsets me. I know that my sensitivity to this is because I'm pregnant myself, but I do not find this to be funny! Being pregnant is not a joke, but worse.. The reactions to the joke are what is upsetting to me.

These "pranks" are appearing all over Facebook. People are trash talking those posting the jokes. These individuals are getting "I told you so.." and all kinds of other negative reactions. Abortion is being strongly encouraged instead of support being offered. And the girls that are saying they are pregnant are talking so negatively about the body changes and such.

Maybe all of the reactions from the pranker and prankee are all stemmed from the fact that today is April Fools, but I feel like all of it is unwarranted and inappropriate. I am personally offended by what I see.

Registry items not on my Registry

There are items that I have decided that I would like, but they cannot be bought at Babies R Us!! For those interested, I would love a small video camera/digital camera. I would like anything from signingtime.com and books by Dawn Babb Prochovnic. And, I will add more as I come up with it. Till them, I am registered at Babies R Us!!

:)

The Sperm Donor

I have been doing a lot of thinking and research in regards to the topic of "daddy." From what I have found, even if I wanted to, I cannot put his name on the birth certificate. In the state of Texas, he must be present to claim paternity. That being said, I have been following his probation. There has been an adjudication of guilt, so I am assuming he is being taken off probation and will have to serve the time. If I remember correctly, he will have to serve 180 days. Assuming it starts in the next couple of months, it may be safe to say that he will not be at the hospital. His absense should take some stress away from the special day, which is great.

However, I am not so naive to think that nothing will ever happen in regards to paternity. I am planning to speak to an attorney before Cote gets here just to be prepared. But with his criminal record, violation of probation, and complete lack of responsibility in all regards, there shouldn't be much to worry about. He will have to do a lot to gain access to her. If he is willing to make the effort though, I will be cooperative.

On that note, I have been putting a lot of thought into how I will handle this situation with Cote. As of right now I am working on the assumption that he will not be involved, and I will be single. If she asks about him, I am simply going to tell her that things did not work out between he and I. I will give her more as she gets older, and I will be honest. Until she is old enough to understand, I ask that no one speak poorly of him to her. Then, if one day she decides she wants to find him, I will help her. I want her to feel comfortable talking to me about him, so I can protect her if she ever seeks him out.

I also plan to explain to her the difference between a dad and a father. She does have a father: a man involved in the creation of a baby. She may or may not have a dad: a man who loves her and cherishes her, wants the best for her, will protect her, and always be there for her. BUT her sperm donor is not her dad. 

She also deserves to know about her sisters, so I will show her pictures when she is old enough to understand and if I feel it is appropriate. I do not want her to have any feeling of inadequacy or anything because he takes care of his "other" daughters but not her. (Again, this is working on the assumption that he is not present or active in her life.)

I would like this topic to be discussed and understood among family and friends. I hope that everyone can be on the same page for Cote's sake. I want to protect her, but I also want her to be able to make her own decisions. I will protect her as much as I can, but I will not deny her the truth. I do not want her to resent me for keeping her from him.

I hope this makes sense. If not, lets discuss it!!

Alone

All of the episodes of Friends this week have been the sequence of Rachel's pregnancy. The further along she got, the harder the shows have been to watch. Tonight really brought it home. The episodes tonight were about her labor and her realization of being a "single" mother. All the while, I am writing my own birth plan and thinking about the same thing. And it sucks! I know I have my family and my friend, but I do not have a partner. I do not have that one person to go through this whole thing with.

Then I got to thinking about who would be in the room with me. Both my mom and dad have agreed to be in the room, but I'm honestly not sure that I want anyone in there. I'm a very modest person, so to be so vulnerable and exposed in front of my parents seems awkward to me. I am beginning to think that I would rather have no one in there. Then, I'll be alone...

To be alone is frightening. It is one thing to be single. It is another thing to be a single (expectant) mother. There is a reason it takes two to make baby and village to raise one. It is not an act that is meant to be performed by one person. But then I think, I've made it this far by myself. (No discredit to the wonderful support of my family, but you know what I mean.) 

I know I can do this, but do I do it alone? I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I am beginning to believe that independence it the way to go. Sure, it is scary as hell, but maybe it is time to face my fears. 

I've been pregnant alone. I'll give birth alone. And I'll parent alone. 

Maybe it won't be so bad...

The Demise of the Male Species

Recently, I have discovered that I have lost all faith in the "men". If they are not my doctor or related to me, they are almost worthless to me. Its been slow and steady, but it is almost official. The demise has been brought on by multiple subspecies of these so called "men".
First, there is the Sperm-Donor. This subspecies is the worst of its kind. He is a cheater, a user, and an abuser. He thinks of no one but himself. He sees people for only what they have to offer him. Once he has sucked them dry, he throws them out like last week’s trash. This "man" also believes himself to be a good father. Recent evidence (such as being two hours late to pick up his daughter and that his daughter is seeking attention by making herself sick at school) has proved otherwise. His paternal privilege is purely biological. Though he considers himself God’s gift to mankind, this subspecies is a sorry excuse for a "man."

The next member of the demise dream team is the Grey Haired Geezer. The sole purpose of this subspecies is to make noise that he claims is music. He pounds away at musical instruments making nonsensical sounds that cause instant headaches for anyone within earshot. He asserts his dominance by making false assumptions of guilt and wrongly admonishing disciplinary actions. He also preys on the weak and pregnant, always forgetting that hormones bite back. When surrounded by a pack of raging estrogen rich lioness, this subspecies cowards and cries to the pack leader. He is generally unsuccessful in all attempts to be funny and thinks he knows everything. This "man" is only successful at being annoying and obnoxious. Luckily, his subspecies is on the verge of extinction, thus there is a hope.

Too bad, the rapid population of the self proclaimed Girlie-Man will fill the void left by the extinction. This "man" is a unique kind of pain-in-the-ass. He is very book smart and knows it. He is not afraid to voice his opinion, not caring (or being completely unaware of) who he may offend in the process. His attempts at humor are generally so awkward that the only possibly reaction is a forced laugh (at him, not with him.) But his strongest fault is the complete lack of testosterone. The Girlie-Man has many feminine characteristics and mannerism that make him a fascination, but too much exposure can cause any self respecting women to channel her inner Manhood to make up for what he lacks. This can have seriously negative effects in the long run.

Another subspecies that has contributed to the fall of all "man"-kind in my eyes is the Handicapped Stinker. UGH! This “man” is foreign to all concepts involving chivalry or manners. His excuse is he speaks five languages and that he is a veteran. All of those intrigues are lost by his complete lack of decorum. He has no qualms about sharing disgusting facts that are so far beyond TMI that they do not even have a category. He also emits an odor than can burn the nose hairs off any unsuspecting victim that crosses his path. To make matters worse, he is always grunting to make his presence known to all. If he goes unnoticed he will whine until his every need is met. His lasting theme of behavior is the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Though he claims to be macho, his incessant need to be babied begs to differ. He is the final straw.

Though there are many other subspecies that may or may not redeem the “man,” I have not come across any as of late. I have lost almost all faith in this gender, with the afore mentioned exceptions. I challenge someone to change my mind.

86 days to go...

I have officially entered into my third trimester. This means the end is finally in sight. And to be honest, I am extremely nervous. There is so much in my near future that it is overwhelming.

For starters:: LABOR! Umm holy hell! I realize that it is something that all mothers will go through, but may I just say that the horror stories do not help in the slightest. There is nothing inspiring about the friend of a friend that had the worst labor experience known to man. I think all women should call a truce and stop sharing these war stories. We will come out with out battle scars, but can we save those stories till the end, please.

Then there is the whole baby thing... these things don't come with manuals. Sure I am reading everything I can get my hands on, but that doesn't make me feel too much better. There are so many what ifs that race through my mind that it is borderline paranoia. And for those who weren't aware, I am a control freak! A fact that most babies do not seem to give a damn about. Just another challenge of character.

I know it will all be alright, and I will learn to adjust; but the waiting period is just long enough for me to drive myself crazy with worry. I guess that is all part of being a parent though.

86 days to go...