Recently, I have discovered that I have lost all faith in the "men". If they are not my doctor or related to me, they are almost worthless to me. Its been slow and steady, but it is almost official. The demise has been brought on by multiple subspecies of these so called "men".
First, there is the Sperm-Donor. This subspecies is the worst of its kind. He is a cheater, a user, and an abuser. He thinks of no one but himself. He sees people for only what they have to offer him. Once he has sucked them dry, he throws them out like last week’s trash. This "man" also believes himself to be a good father. Recent evidence (such as being two hours late to pick up his daughter and that his daughter is seeking attention by making herself sick at school) has proved otherwise. His paternal privilege is purely biological. Though he considers himself God’s gift to mankind, this subspecies is a sorry excuse for a "man."
The next member of the demise dream team is the Grey Haired Geezer. The sole purpose of this subspecies is to make noise that he claims is music. He pounds away at musical instruments making nonsensical sounds that cause instant headaches for anyone within earshot. He asserts his dominance by making false assumptions of guilt and wrongly admonishing disciplinary actions. He also preys on the weak and pregnant, always forgetting that hormones bite back. When surrounded by a pack of raging estrogen rich lioness, this subspecies cowards and cries to the pack leader. He is generally unsuccessful in all attempts to be funny and thinks he knows everything. This "man" is only successful at being annoying and obnoxious. Luckily, his subspecies is on the verge of extinction, thus there is a hope.
Too bad, the rapid population of the self proclaimed Girlie-Man will fill the void left by the extinction. This "man" is a unique kind of pain-in-the-ass. He is very book smart and knows it. He is not afraid to voice his opinion, not caring (or being completely unaware of) who he may offend in the process. His attempts at humor are generally so awkward that the only possibly reaction is a forced laugh (at him, not with him.) But his strongest fault is the complete lack of testosterone. The Girlie-Man has many feminine characteristics and mannerism that make him a fascination, but too much exposure can cause any self respecting women to channel her inner Manhood to make up for what he lacks. This can have seriously negative effects in the long run.
Another subspecies that has contributed to the fall of all "man"-kind in my eyes is the Handicapped Stinker. UGH! This “man” is foreign to all concepts involving chivalry or manners. His excuse is he speaks five languages and that he is a veteran. All of those intrigues are lost by his complete lack of decorum. He has no qualms about sharing disgusting facts that are so far beyond TMI that they do not even have a category. He also emits an odor than can burn the nose hairs off any unsuspecting victim that crosses his path. To make matters worse, he is always grunting to make his presence known to all. If he goes unnoticed he will whine until his every need is met. His lasting theme of behavior is the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Though he claims to be macho, his incessant need to be babied begs to differ. He is the final straw.
Though there are many other subspecies that may or may not redeem the “man,” I have not come across any as of late. I have lost almost all faith in this gender, with the afore mentioned exceptions. I challenge someone to change my mind.
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