Too Little Too Late

I would just like to stay that I am angry, which is a vast improvement from where I was last night when I received a message on FB from the sperm donor. Six months of silence and then this?

He sent this long message saying that he missed me, and that he has been having a really bad time. (boo hoo!) Apparently, he is having to play daddy all by himself for the first time. He says he has a new appreciatiton for everything I did for him and the girls, but he made little mention of my girl. It is like she doesn't even matter. He just wants to make a play at my heart strings to see if I will come clean up his mess, again, since that what I always did for him.

At first, my reaction to such a plea was vile. Then it made me angry that it made me so angry. Luckily a dear friend was able to help me see why I was feeling the way I was. It made me angry to know that he is still a narcissistic jerk. He is only concerned about himself and getting what he wants. He has no concern about me or my daughter. The man is simply having a pity party. School is out, and he is overwhelmed. There is also the fact that his court date is eminent. He is probably just panicking and in need of a babysitter while he is in jail.  So basically, he doesn't miss me. He needs me.

All of this just reaffirms my decision to protect her from him. Sometimes I feel like maybe my decision might have been made for the wrong reasons though I know it is the right decision. He is not a good man or a good influence, but sometimes I get satisfaction out of spiting him. When I told this to my friend she explained that my decision and my feelings are justified, but I need to forgive him. YIKES!

For the first time, thoughts of forgiveness entered my mind. Until last night, I had been more focused on forgetting him! But she is right. Some days I am consumed by thoughts of all of the wrong he did to us. If I do not forgive then this will continue to be a weight on my shoulders. I do not need the pain or the struggle, and he does not deserve to have that hold on me. If I do not let go of these feelings, he will always have a grip on my life. I need to forgive what happened for me because my anger only effects me.

To be honest though, the idea of forgiving him made me upset at first because I was thinking that it meant condoning his actions, but its not. It simply means accepting what happened and letting it go. I need to do this not just for me but for Cote. I don't need to let my grudge interfere with my relationship with my daughter. I do not want to let my anger or bias effect her in any way. I want to be the best parent I can be for her, and when she is old enough to understand I will let her make her own decisions in regards to him. If she decides to meet him, I will help her. At that time, if he hurts her or disappoints her I will be there to support her. Maybe he will have grown up by then and wont let her down. I can only hope!

Until then, I plan to do everything I can to keep my distance. I just hope he doesn't turn ugly in the mean time. Maybe his stint in jail will help....