Alone

All of the episodes of Friends this week have been the sequence of Rachel's pregnancy. The further along she got, the harder the shows have been to watch. Tonight really brought it home. The episodes tonight were about her labor and her realization of being a "single" mother. All the while, I am writing my own birth plan and thinking about the same thing. And it sucks! I know I have my family and my friend, but I do not have a partner. I do not have that one person to go through this whole thing with.

Then I got to thinking about who would be in the room with me. Both my mom and dad have agreed to be in the room, but I'm honestly not sure that I want anyone in there. I'm a very modest person, so to be so vulnerable and exposed in front of my parents seems awkward to me. I am beginning to think that I would rather have no one in there. Then, I'll be alone...

To be alone is frightening. It is one thing to be single. It is another thing to be a single (expectant) mother. There is a reason it takes two to make baby and village to raise one. It is not an act that is meant to be performed by one person. But then I think, I've made it this far by myself. (No discredit to the wonderful support of my family, but you know what I mean.) 

I know I can do this, but do I do it alone? I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I am beginning to believe that independence it the way to go. Sure, it is scary as hell, but maybe it is time to face my fears. 

I've been pregnant alone. I'll give birth alone. And I'll parent alone. 

Maybe it won't be so bad...